"We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde
"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." ~Amelia Earhart

December 27, 2007

I Can Hear God! (*sarcasm*)

In the past, I've been rather quiet on my public blogs. Anonymity isn't completely certain whenever you write about your life and there are certain secrets I keep from people I happen to meet. If I discussed things totally openly on my blog and my 'internet life' and my real life happened to cross paths, it would be uncomfortable. Well, a few days ago, I decided to, sort of, trash that philosophy. I doubt many Minnesotans will ever read this blog and, even if they did, I rarely discuss exact places I go so there isn't too much to worry about. And even if the two paths do happen to cross, I'm not saying anything horrible here.

The reason I'm somewhat protective of my privacy is that I'm coming clean on this blog about my mental illness, schizoaffective disorder. Long ago, I commented on somebody else's blog that, in order to help erase the stigma of mental illness, more people who suffer from these things should be more open about it. And that's the reason I'm writing a little about it. But I can definitely understand those who want to hide it, especially people with the more severe disorders. I mean, nobody really minds if somebody has clinical depression but schizophrenia gives alot of people the creeps.

Schizoaffective disorder is, basically, just a combination of schizophrenia and a mood disorder like clinical depression or bipolar disorder. I'm not entirely sure that that diagnosis is completely correct. The schizophrenia's definitely there but I'm not sure about the mood disorder. See, I once wondered to a psychiatrist if I was manic. But this was shortly after having a psychotic break and, in that state, what I say isn't always reliable. What I mistook for mania at the time was probably just a high level of stress and anxiety. After three psychotic breaks and two brief hospitalizations, I'm pretty sure of the schizophrenia portion though. :D

Some people who are interested in blogs by people with mental illness are people whose family members are suffering from the malady. Honestly, I probably can't give people that much perspective into their family members' mental illnesses because my experiences may completely differ. My delusions have never been filled with aliens or government conspiracies. I never really think others are 'out to get me'. My experiences have always been fluffy and happy. While other people are hearing voices telling them they're evil, my voices are rather kind and loving. When others are running from imagined phantoms, I'm decoding and trying to follow 'signs' and colors to assist me on some 'spiritual quest'. Honestly, psychotic breaks are super-fun for me until I pull out of it and realize some of the silly things I did or said.

I may write more about my experiences during the psychotic breaks later but I think this blog post is long enough. :-p

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